I’m awake in bed until about 1 in the morning. I feel like I’m coming down from a drug trip honestly, I feel sad and scared and disappointed without any focus or reason. I give myself space and hold as still as I can, under the weighted blanket I brought from Austin. The withdrawal mellows and I fall asleep.

I’m up on schedule. Early enough to casually take breakfast with the in-laws. I drink coffee and chatter about the audio festival I didn’t go to. Spinning fake interactions and a healthy dose of facts about the community I already know. My motivation for getting up early is truthfully, the Austin meetup at 9:30. Though the selective facts cement it as another lie.

i arrive on time, and jump into conversations. I make small talk that goes nowhere with someone I’ve already forgotten. I flag down a nerd and get them to talk at me about their suit electronics. Nothing interesting continues to happen, until the announcement comes that the meetup organizers are planning a local Austin con!

Im thrilled, and rush to the front. I pepper the speakers with questions once they’re off the stage. They are far from being ready, and are perhaps years out. They haven’t yet elected a board of directors or staff. They will take whatever help they can get. So I take a card and decide to reach out later next week. To commit would be to give up and challenge a lot of the life I’ve built.

I would make a decent IT director though. Says the brain-storm.